


Change and Pain are Constant Companions

by buckydraketrash



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: AU of all AU's where Bella grows a SPINE!, Depictions of Bella's death is the reason for the rating, F/M, Other, Past Edward Cullen/Bella Swan, not really anti-edward but a little bit anti-edward
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:22:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28197594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buckydraketrash/pseuds/buckydraketrash
Summary: A true transformation is painful, it requires rewriting our innermost understandings of the world. And the process can break bonds, force us out of our comfort zones.And when that transformation is thrusted upon a young girl after a series of traumatic experiences, and she survives, she may just come out of it a whole new being.This is the story of Bella Swan becoming herself, on her own terms.[basically my version of Bella's rebirth as a vampire]
Relationships: Alice Cullen/Jasper Hale, Carlisle Cullen/Esme Cullen, Edward Cullen/Bella Swan, Emmett Cullen/Rosalie Hale
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	Change and Pain are Constant Companions

**Author's Note:**

> [Ok, some important distinctions from SM's mythical universe:   
> -Vampires do not sparkle. Only vegetarian vampires can be day-walkers. For the rest, sun causes damage, but it is not fatal.  
> \- Newborns have black eyes, depending on their chosen diet, they turn red or amber.   
> \- Vampire bodies are supernaturally strong, but they aren't stone/marble like. Just cool to the touch, and pale. Vampires of color just end up with a cool undertone, no distinct pallor occurs for them.]

It astounded her how clearly she remembered her life from before. They say that creatures like her have photographic memory, a supernatural ability to commit every single detail to memory. They lied.

Reality had become nothing but a blur of too much movement, too many noises, too many sensations, too many tempting thundering pulses singing to her rotting veins. Her existence seemed to have narrowed down to the burn in her throat, the void in her core and hunger itching at her gums. 

Nothing about this was romantic. 

Not that anyone had planted that notion in her mind, for that disappointment, she was the sole  
carrier of the blame. 

Edward had been against this, for his own twisted reasons, but he had been against it. But he had also been against the notion of letting her die a natural death while giving birth to something so unnatural. 

Whatever maternal instincts she had been feeling towards that thing had ceased to exist the moment she opened her now onyx eyes. Turns out, whatever divine power that was looking at all this unfold decided to intervene when the fetus withered away the moment it tore its way out of her womb. Carlisle could only theorize that the only thing keeping it alive was Bella’s life-blood. 

She woke up to heated whisperings over the decision to bury or burn the fetus, her gasp of awakening warned everyone into pin drop silence. Her hand automatically went to her belly, now flat, urharmed. A confused look passed over her face, only expressed by a slight frown, as she got up from the makeshift hospital bed they had her in, her deathbed. 

The cloth underneath was soaked in blood. Her blood. 

She scrunched up her nose at the thought, but was mildly amused at her lack of panic. Bella before would have fainted at the mere thought of the worry she would cause by getting injured. 

Her feet touched the marble floors, she could sense the chlorine on her feet too, aside from the heavy smell that lingered everywhere. 

The small one, the one who wanted to be her sister, Alice, was the first one to enter the room. She was smiling.  
Bella didn’t reciprocate, not just yet. Slowly, cautiously, the others joined. The father figure was assessing her still, she supposed this was all very new for him too. 

Esme, the mother, looked hopeful, a small smile playing on her lips, as if she was just happy to see her awake again. Bella nodded ever so slightly at her, as if to reassure the woman. 

This movement brought a grin to the massive one’s face. Emmett. He looked like he wanted to run up to her, but he was barely containing himself. Or rather, his mate, Rosalie was containing him with the light but strong grip on his shoulder. Rosalie looked unsure, uncomfortable maybe?

Bella found that she didn’t care.

She moved her gaze past her to Jasper, who was washing a wave of calm over the entire room, sensing everyone's trepidation. Bella didn’t like that. Something about the concept of someone else telling her how to feel, even in this “life”, did not sit well with her.  
She’ll deal with that later.  
Now was not the time to ring alarm bells.  
She finally looked at the one standing right in front of her, some 10 feet away, looking at her if she was a miracle he did not deserve, putting her on a pedestal she didn’t ask for.  
Edward.  
Something roiled inside her. 

But it seemed that her eyes meeting him was all the invitation he needed from her. His feet started moving him forward towards her, the movement took less than a second, but her instinct was faster still. Her hand shot up, a single, slender, healthy looking finger commanding him to stop in his tracks, as her impassive face cocked to the side to regard him fully, in this new light.

She silently finds joy in the utterly confused expression that adorns his face. 

She had once in her naive human perception found this face the epitome of perfection.  
Bella was on equal footing with him now, no longer mesmerized by his supernatural presence. 

She couldn’t quite pinpoint what exactly had changed within her, maybe this was postpartum depression heightened by her newfound senses. 

Or maybe the insecurities human Bella carried with her, what had inevitably made Edward’s stoic and unflinching presence so attractive to her, no longer had any room in this new existence. 

She hadn’t realised she had been holding him at bay for quite some time now, while she thought of her new lack of feelings towards this man.

She winced. Visually. 

His face contorted with emotional pain even further. 

“Bella-” Alice piped up, her voice still sounding like an echo of windchimes from afar on a windy day. Bella shifted her gaze to her, without changing her stance physically. 

“I know this can be extremely overwhelming, do you want us to come meet you one by one, after you’ve had time to clean up, and maybe feed?”  
Ever the peacekeeper, huh. 

Bella mulled it over, and as much as she just wanted to book it and never look back at Forks in this very moment, she knew this needed to be handled with delicacy. For her own sake, if not for every human that came across her way.  
Finally, she put her hand down, marvelling at the fact that her muscles had not given out, there was no ache or cramp whatsoever after holding her arm up in that position for several minutes. 

Still not wanting to speak, she faced Alice, and gestured with her hand to lead the way. 

If they all found this behavior extremely odd from the shy, meek, dying to please everyone Bella, they did not say a word.  
\--  
Bella followed Alice up the stairs to the little one’s bedroom suite. When the door was finally closed behind them, Alice stopped by the foot of her bed, and sat down with her legs crossed in a prim manner, while gesturing towards the plush chair for Bella. Alice’s room had a view of the vast forest the Cullens’ had erected their residence in, and Bella could see all the movements of life thriving out there even in the pitch dark. The little sounds were amplified in her brain, like an annoying neighbor watching a nature documentary too loud. She made herself concentrate on the task at hand, and sat down without a second thought about ruining Alice’s chair with the caked blood on her legs. 

Alice looked at her with open concern for the first time, as if she could truly be a little vulnerable away from the prying eyes of her family. 

“Bella, honey, how are you feeling?” 

Her eyebrows shoot up, as she considers the question. How is she feeling? This should be discussed. And Alice might be the best person to discuss it with. But she knew the rest of the clan could still hear them. He could still hear them. So she had to be careful. 

She took a deep breath, and realized how uncomfortable that was now that she could feel the air brush against every single alveoli inside her lungs. No thanks! 

A giggle escaped her at the realization, and she is surprised by the sound of her own voice. Her hand shoots up to her mouth to stop the gasp, and her giggles evolve into laughter. The sound is alien, but Bella recognizes it. It's the laughter she used to practice in front of the mirror when she would pretend she was someone else, someone powerful, confident. 

Still, with a smile playing on her lips, she removed the hand from her mouth and looked up at Alice, who was rightfully confused, and shrugged.  
“I do not know how to answer that right now.” she said with complete honesty. Again, the confidence in her voice astounded her, but this time she was somewhat ready for it. 

Alice nodded, indicating that her answer was in the realm of normal.  
“It is a lot to process, trust me. And since your changing followed an extremely traumatic event, it can be difficult to come to terms with it all. Just know that we’re all here for you. No matter how your feelings may change.”  
She added the last part with a pointed look and a reassuring smile.  
She knew. And if she knew, Edward knew as well. Well, she’ll meet that bear when she’s gotta eat it.  
Bella felt herself relax for the first time, throwing her head back against the soft chair she was seated in, and letting herself smile, fully, truly. 

“Let’s get me into some clean clothes!” She said enthusiastically, surprising herself and Alice, as she bound towards the bathroom, guessing the way by the smells of various shampoos and perfumes wafting from that particular direction. 

\--  
Downstairs, Carlisle was reading literature on changings after extremely traumatic events and their effects on the newborn vampire’s psyche. Throwing himself into the books was his coping mechanism, and Esme left him to it. She found Edward and did her best to keep him grounded, lest he throw himself into a deeper hole of despair at Bella’s supposed rejection. She was reminding him how every newborn needs time to adjust, murmuring reassurances to his fragile soul. Rosalie was keeping Emmett distracted with an impromptu hunt, so for now all they had to do is wait until Bella was ready to meet them, and make her decisions. 

What no one was willing to acknowledge at least right now was the very possibility of Bella not wanting to be part of the Cullen clan. She was indeed a newborn now, human attachments, life, feelings, perceptions left behind, severed to some degree. What if she no longer had affectionate tendencies towards this family, God forbid, towards Edwards? 

Esme was glad for her ability to muddle her thoughts behind a static of mental noise in her head, so that Edward couldn’t accidentally pick up on her musings. But she was worried nonetheless. For now, however, she continued to soothe her son, and kept looking at the stairs hopefully. 

Bella rummaged through Alice’s closet, through a section of clothes Alice had preemptively bought for her and pulled out a beige sleeveless cashmere turtleneck, and a pair of tailored black slacks that taper off at her ankles. 

She pulled out a pair of green Dr. Martens to be paired with it, and held a silencing hand up to 

Alice who looked horrified at her styling choices.

Her hair was slightly damp and pulled away from her face. She touched her skin, and it felt supple, hydrated to her, her constant companions that were her dark circles were gone. 

Her teeth looked disturbingly white, and she looked for sharpened incisors, feeling silly while running her fingers over her teeth. Even though Alice assured her they never needed skin care, Bella wanted to experience the ritual on her skin, just for the sake of contrast. 

She was surprised to actually feel the serum absorbing in her skin, the radiance somehow amplified, as if even the cosmetics worked better on this skin than her human counterparts’. 

Standing in front of the mirror, Bella smoothed her hands over the soft fabrics, marvelling at the luxury, and looked back at Alice in thanks before turning towards the door. 

Alice stood beside her, these few moments of solidarity strengthening their relationship immensely. Bella nodded, and they both walked downstairs. 

-  
Edwards the first one up, looking up expectantly at her, Esme’s eyes found Alice’s, and Carlisle took his spot by his mate, looking at his daughter and finding calm in her calm. Alice’s eyes found Jasper’s who had been waiting patiently for her return with the newborn. He seemed a bit too much on edge, his past experiences with newborns coloring his current perception of the situation at hand a little bit. 

Bella meets his eyes first, acknowledging that his mate was safe by her side. Jasper nodded, visibly relaxing. She felt his trust, and Alice squeezed her arm lightly before dashing off to stand by his side. 

This left Bella alone at the last step of the stairs, still with a higher ground above all of them. She regarded the room quickly and settled herself in the lounge chair facing the couch. They all silently followed her and sat in the various spots available in the large living room. 

She looked at Carlisle, a warmer expression than before and gestured outside, “Should we wait for Rose and Emmett?” 

Before he could answer, Alice answered for him, “They will be here in a few-well..here they are!”  
She amended herself as the couple rushed in with a fresh golden glow to their eyes and quickly found their seats next to Alice and Jasper. 

All looked at her, giving her all the time she needed. 

She finally looks at Edward. “It’s dead, right?” she asked, her tone implying she knew the answer already. He nodded, before answering, looking outside the glass walls, as if placing it’s grave.  
She followed his gaze. “You buried it? Is that wise?” She looked to Carlisle again. 

Carlisle shook his head, a kindness radiating from him, “No, we buried the ashes. In case you wanted to..say goodbye.” 

The notion confused her, she asked, “Why would I want to do that?” without a hint of malice, purely questioning his assumption. 

It’s as if she’s spoken something vulgar beyond belief, she heard Rosalie hiss, fucking hiss.  
“How can you be so callous! She was your child!” 

Bella looked at her, fully facing the blonde, unfazed by the venom in the woman’s expression. 

She raised an eyebrow at her, in challenge. “How can I be callous? Ok, let me explain Rosalie. I can be so callous, because I didn’t plan to get pregnant. I didn’t plan to get pregnant with a child scientifically impossible. I didn’t plan for a parasite inside that was making me hollow and breaking me apart. I didn’t plan on dying so violently after just having gotten married and having had sex just once!” she ignored Edward’s wince pointedly, and bulldozed on. “I didn’t plan on having this thing tear me apart from inside out, kill me, and thrust a violent transition on me that I wasn’t ready for. I didn’t even go through a 9 months long period to get to know it, create a bond with it. This was monstrous from start to finish. That’s how I can be so callous!” 

Her nostrils are flaring, her lungs scraping with the air she’s sucking in out of habit, her eyes blazing with cold fury.  
They had never seen her like this. Standing up for herself. She liked it. 

Edward looked at her, anguish clear on his face, as if her recent words were lashings for his soul. She had called their union monstrous, indirectly, but still. 

“Bella, I am so sorry. You have to know that, believe me when I say I did not know what our marriage could lead to. I never wanted that for you, you know that, right?”

He was pleading with her. 

She couldn’t find it in herself to be soft anymore. 

“I know you didn’t intend for any of it. I know you love me in a sense a boy from an era of absolutes may understand love. I know you tried to warn me, put up boundaries, and I kept pushing through. But you did not try hard enough Edward. You knew who you were, I only had a vague understanding, and a passionate, lonely heart.”

She was breaking his heart. 

He had done much worse to her.

She wasn’t as spiteful to think she was returning the favor, but she was finally feeling true to herself.

Funny that it was her death that made her grow a spine. 

“Bella, you can’t mean that!” he choked out, his family still there, watching it all happen, as if boundaries didn’t exist within this little capsule at all. 

“I do. I don't want to lie to you, or to myself. Since the moment I woke up, I have not felt the strong connection I had felt as a human with you. Call it the newborn adjustment period, or whatever makes you feel better, but right now I want to know who I am as this new thing, before I fully commit myself to another being and exist as an extension of someone else who’s had a century to figure things out.” 

She rested her hands on her knees, her insides churning with her own revelations, and the possibilities she was creating for herself. Immortality on her own terms, after of course, training herself to not be nuisance to innocents. 

At that note, she turned herself to face Carlisle and Esme once more. “I know my change of feelings towards Edwards may change your plans of accepting me into the family, and I would not want to impose myself in that manner anyways. But I am a newborn made by your clan, on your territory, so I will need your help in ..well, everything!”  
Charlie would have been proud of her if he saw her advocate for herself, she wondered if she’d ever be able to see him again. 

Carlisle looked at his family, as if to assess where they stood with this new revelation. Finally, he gave that charming smile, the one that had welcomed her first into their clan.  
“Bella, I cannot yet speak for my family, but I can confidently say that Esme and I will offer you our wisdom and help in any way that we can, because we do still consider you family.” He looked at his mate for affirmation, and if Esme could cry, she would have been at this moment. While her heart was shattered for her son, she couldn’t help but admire Bella’s strength and calm, knowing how volatile newborns could be. 

She smiled and got up from beside her husband, crossed the little distance to sit next to Bella. She opened her palm outwards, pausing for a moment, before Bella nodded and gave Esme permission to touch her.  
Esme’s hands enveloped Bella’s, “Despite us being frozen in our last moments of life physically, we understand that change is the only constant in this world. I have come to know you Bella, and I cannot wait to know you even better now, if you want that. I am sure the healing will take time, but in that time, we are still your family. You will not have to be alone.” 

She smiled, a radiance settling on her face and she could see Edward trying to avoid looking at her. But she kept focused on Esme and Carlisle, their promise helping her settle the churning within her. She knew Alice was with her, and counted on Jasper’s presence in her future just because she knew the vampire wouldn’t let a newborn out of his sight out of sheer duty. She could feel Rosalie’s disapproval, without needing to hear her constant agitated movements, but when she stole a look towards Emmett, she couldn’t suppress her smirk at the giddy expression on his face. 

It was interesting, despite Edward having been part of their family, their loyalties didn’t shift when her connection with him ...loosened. 

Edward shot up from his seat, probably after hearing everyone’s thoughts, “It will be easy for you-” 

“Don’t presume for me anymore Edward, please.” She quickly cut that chain of thought down.

His expression staggered, mouth ajar in confusion, his cool and collected sense of dominating every conversation no longer his security blanket. “..I’m..I wasn’t….I only meant, it might be easier for you to be here if I am gone. Just for a while!”, he adds when Alice’s mental protests hit him first before she can verbalize it. 

Bella winced, she didn’t want to make him feel worse than he already was. “I apologize for my curtness. You do not have to leave your family on my account. You need them as much as I do, right now.” She smiled slightly, closing the distance between them a little bit. Hoping he would understand that she did not feel any malice towards him.  
She just felt nothing. 

Edward’s body gravitated towards her, his hands reaching out to hold her. 

She took half a step back, and held his hand as if a friend consoling another. His face fell, eyes fixated on the less than affectionate gesture. 

“Edward, I am truly sorry, for a lot, but I cannot begin to understand or explain what is happening inside me right now. But what I am sure of, is that I do not hold any negative feelings towards you. Can we be OK with that for the time being?” She asked, knowing full well that he was going to leave for Alaska the minute things got awkward or difficult. He didn’t say anything, but removed his hands from hers, as if it had started to burn. 

She closed her eyes, irritation coloring her thoughts for a moment. Jasper was by her side, as if sensing a bomb about to explode. 

She looked at him sideways, and rolled her eyes a bit with a sheepish grin, conveying that she has this under control. His eyebrows shot up in surprise, but he stood down. 

She focused her energies back to Carlisle and Esme, who had been having an almost telepathic discussion away from them. 

Sensing her gaze, they turned towards her as Esme approached her. “Bella, we have another hunting cabin on the southern tip of Vancouver Island, in one of their many protected provincial parks. Low foot traffic, but enough wildlife. Until you feel comfortable, and have had time to adjust and think, you are more than welcome to stay there. We will take turns staying with you there of course,” at this she pointedly looked at her family as if that part was not a discussion but an order, “and make sure your transition is healthy and safe.” 

Bella looked around the room, and giggled a little at Alice’s thumbs up, and nodded graciously to Esme, “Thank you so much for your generosity. I hope I can repay it one day.” 

“Nonsense! You are part of the family until the moment you decide otherwise, so I will not tolerate any talks of favors or repayments.” This was the first time she had heard Esme be stern with her, Bella raised an eyebrow but nodded in surrender, ignoring Emmett’s snickering in the background.

“Edward.” Carlisle’s voice rang out from where he stood in the hallway towards his study, his hand extended in invitation. It brought him out of whatever trance he had been throughout all of this, and he looked up at Bella again, but seemed at a loss for words. Silently, he joined his father and they both disappeared behind the closed wooden doors. 

At that, as if all the tension was vacuumed out of the room, they all seemed to relax. Bella took another uncomfortable breath, out of habit again, and threw her head back to allow herself a moment of nothingness. 

So far, she was sure of a few things, even the vast possibility of her lifespan was a terrifying mystery in front of her that she yet did not want to acknowledge. 

She knew that she had the support of the majority of Carlisle’s family during the next few months or years, however long it took for her to understand herself as a vampire.

She knew she felt absolutely nothing when she thought of Edward and their .... off-spring. 

She knew she had some semblance of control over her hunger, as she had not yet gone on a rampage for blood while she had important matters to take care of. Whenever she had heard anyone describe newborns, it was portrayed as if they were feral animals, no longer capable of cognitive processes, only focused on satiating their blood-lust. 

And, she was absolutely sure that Edward still could not read her mind. 

She smiled at the final conclusion, and finally looked out towards the forest, towards the life she was about to take for her survival. 

“Alright, I’m ready to eat.”

**Author's Note:**

> [I definitely have plans to see this go further, but please please let me know with your comments what you think so far!]


End file.
